


What am I to you?

by Meldanca



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Fluff, Gay, M/M, Panic, Romance, angsty, but dramatic, fool in love, juza being sweet, kinda serious, settsu being stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:55:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27043102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meldanca/pseuds/Meldanca
Summary: What am I to you?Are we strangers?Are we rivals?Are we friends?I long for the answeryet I'm too scared to askToo afraid of what would happenif I spoke with my heartI don't want the answerI'm sure I don't even have to askToo afraid of the words of rejectionyou'll speak with your heartWhat am I to you?Just a mere colleague?Someone you can fight with?Something in between?I really want the answeryet I really don't wanna knowToo afraid you don't like meif I were to ask youWhat am I to you?
Relationships: Hyoudou Juuza/Settsu Banri
Comments: 3
Kudos: 59





	What am I to you?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, ello
> 
> I wrote this bc I'm kinda bored and wanted to play a bit with my writing style  
> (and yeah it's kinda a mess but I still hope you'll enjoy)

What am I to you?

Are we strangers?

Are we rivals?

Are we friends?

I long for the answer

yet I'm too scared to ask

Too afraid of what would happen

if I spoke with my heart

I don't want the answer

I'm sure I don't even have to ask

Too afraid of the words of rejection

you'll speak with your heart

What am I to you?

Just a mere colleague?

Someone you can fight with?

Something in between?

I really want the answer

yet I really don't wanna know

Too afraid you don't like me

if I were to ask you

What am I to you?

Someone to kill time with

when you're bored?

I'm sure I have the answer

yet I don't want it to be true:

You don't like me as much

as I like you

"You have a crush? I knew it!", Muku asks with sparkly eyes and a squeaky voice, leaning towards Juza in excitement like a highschool girl, talking to her friend about boys.

His cousin is trying to get as much information out of him, while he tries to compare each situation with every shojo manga he knows.

"This is exactly like in this manga I've read recently! I'll have to show you later!"

He keeps on rambling, ignoring the way Juza is keeping awfully quiet, looking towards the doorframe with a pained expression on his face.

This wasn't how I wanted to find out the answer to my question.

I admit. I was always curious if Hyodo had any romantic feelings towards someone.

But I wasn't prepared for this. His mouth opens as he gasps, almost jumping off the couch. As if I was the last person he wanted to see.

But my eyes meet his and I already know. Judging by the way he looks at me with a mixture of being suprised and frightened at the same time, he knows too.

You don't like me as much as I like you.

"Muku.", his voice sounds like an alarm, trying to warn his cousin about my presence.

His shuts him up with a touch of his elbow.

I only wanted some water, not the words of your heart. Yet here I am, standing, almost falling apart.

Muku's eyes travel to the doorframe and catch a glimpse of my expression. Not long enough to see the horror on my face, but short enough to know, what has happened in the moment.

"Oh.", a suprised sound rolls out of his mouth. Rolling like a coin, until it falls.

I wanted to mock them, like I usually would. Saying something like: "You're such an idiot for having these kind of conversation in the living room." or "Ew, man. What the hell."

Yet I choke on my words. Pressing them down my throat. I can't seem to be able to form a proper sentence.I only blink a few times too often, staying completely frozen between the doorframe and living room.

He likes someone else.

He has a crush on someone else.

My trembling fingers run through my hair, combing harshly through them. They aren't tangled, not really. Not as much as my thoughts. My brain shuts completely down and all I can think about is

He has a crush.

He likes someone else.

He- Fuck.

I want to scream and cry at the same time. I want to break things and punch everything out of my sight. But instead, I'm just standing there. Silently falling apart.

This isn't how I wanted to find out.

Hell, I didn't even want to ask.

And yet, here I am.

"Banri.", his voice sounds strangled, as if it pained him to call out my name. I avoid his piercing gaze. I know it wouldn't be able to leave, if I wouldn't advert my eyes.

I always liked how my name sounded out of Juza's mouth. Kind of sickening sweet, the letters rolling off his tongue.

But right now, it sounds foul and his mouth twitches, as if my name left a sour aftertaste on his tongue.

"I-"

He likes someone else.

And suddenly I'm mad at Juza.

Everything annoys me: from the pitiful look in his eyes, to his frightened posture.

I hate the way he opens his mouth to say something, but quickly shuts it.

I hate the way he frowns, as if I was doing something wrong.

Just spit it out!

Spit it out!

And yet.

Please don't.

I'm torn between being mad and feeling hurt.

It hurts me to look at him in this very moment. So I don't.

It drives me crazy to see him so confused.

And before I can rationalize my thoughts, I stumble over my words.

"I wasn't eavesdropping on your conversation, if you're trying to accuse me."

My voice cracks in the middle of the sentence, because I know Hyodo wouldn't do that.

The words come out too harsh.

Yet the tone of my voice sounds too sad.

I'm like an open book, ready to read. But I'm sure Juza wouldn't even care to look at the cover.

"Huh? No. Listen-Settsu-"

"I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear that."

I try to sound rude, or cocky, even arrogant. I scrunch up my eyebrows and try to mimick my shit eating grin. But something feels off. My eyebrows are pressed down to a sad expression, which reflects on my grin. It doesn't look mocking or triumphant. It looks confused, frightened and sad.

So, tell me.

What am I to you?

Someone you can talk to in the middle of the night?

Or am I just that roommate, who annoyes you everyday?

I'm neither "the roommate".

Nor "a friend".

I'm just the boy you've come across.

Not even worth a glance.

"How much did you hear..?", Juza asks as if he were scared. There is a faint blush on his cheeks. I take that as an expression of feeling embarrassed. Yet, I have never seen him so shy. Never have I witnessed him blushing. There's a weird feeling in my stomach, when he looks at me with his big, pleading looking eyes.

"Enough.", I shrug my shoulders, as if I didn't care. But there's a pang in my chest and a knot in my throat and a mess in my thoughts.

Nor am I "the colleague"

Or "the arrogant brat"

I'm just someone you've met

Realizing that I don't mean as much to Juza, as he does to me, makes me want to throw up.

So I turn around and leave.

Step by step.

Breath by breath.

Until my trembling fingers reach a doorknob. It's not mine, though. This isn't 104.

I don't want to see Juza. Not anymore.

***

"You look like shit.", Itaru tells me this for the third time. It kind of feels like he's trying to rub more salt into my wound, but that's not it. Itaru's tone may sound rude, but I see how his eyes never leave my sight. I haven't talked since the incident with Juza. Itaru is just worried. I know that.

I know. But the wound is still fresh. I'm still hurt. So I snap.

"Can you shut up?"

"What happened, Banri?"

I sigh.

I wish I could just talk about my feelings like others do.

But I snap, like a scared dog trying to look terrifying.

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"Clearly, you're not. Spit it out, Neo.", he insists.

Then I look down to my hands, fumbling with the material of my shirt.

"I don't wanna talk about it.", I hardly whisper.

I do want to talk about it.

Hell, I'm dying to tell someone.

But I can't.

My pride is too big to admit defeat.

That I like Hyodo, while he doesn't like me.

"Banri.", he tries to persuade me, "you either talk or you leave my room."

I roll my eyes.

If I don't put up my act, I'll start crying. I know this, because I can feel the tears trying to storm out. It burns, desperately trying to hold back the tears. I'm sure, that they're red by now and my deep eyebags ridicule my act.

"Seriously Itaru? You're threatening me? How low."

Normally his threats between two options would work pretty well. By now, I would be rambling about my issues and Itaru would listen. His eyes would search for mine, to tell me that he'll listen, he'll stay. Occasionally he would nod, hum and agree. After getting the steam out of me, we'd turn back to grinding and clearing quests.

But today is different.

It's not about Juza annoying me, or ignoring me. It's not about how Izumi forced me to go to school. It's not about Tenma, who would irritate me with his damn arrogance.

Today is about me being hurt.

Today I'm confused, mad, sad and frightened. All at once.

"Ok, ok. Fine. You don't have to talk about it."

"Whatever. I'm leaving, wouldn't want to waste your precious grinding time."

I regret saying that to Itaru. I sound miserable.

"Banri, dude. You can stay. I said it's fine!"

His eyes are looking between me and the doorframe. The panic in them settles rather quickly and there's this weird feeling in my stomach, again. I feel guilty. But it's too late to retreat. My damn pride wouldn't allow me to go back and sit quietly down. So I reach for the doorknob once again and go.

***

It's 11 pm. I still haven't returned to 104, nor have I gone back to Itaru.

I'm embarrassed, acting like a total douche. So I'm sitting on the bench, in the cold garden, watching the shiny and sparkling stars.

What could I have been to you?

If I weren't annoying

or rude

and arrogant

Would you have liked me?

If I were kinder, nicer and less selfish?

"Banri?"

I flinch hearing my name. Nervous, I turn to the source. Only to breathe out in relief.

"Thank god, thought you were someone else."

Tenma raises one eyebrow in suspicion and sighs. I probably would too. I can only imagine how exhausting it could be to talk to someone as stupid as me.

"Did you two fight again?", he takes a seat right next to me, looking up to the same sky and I'm wondering if he sees the stars shiny and sparkly, like they should be. Or if he sees them like me, beautiful and yet so unreachable. I could try to catch them with my bare hands, only to get disappointed because they're so far away.

"What the fuck? No! Not everything resolves around Hyodo.", I scrunch up my face in disgust.

But everything does resolve around Juza.

From the second I wake up to the end of the day I go to sleep.

Every time I'm awake, he's there, he's on my mind.

If I go to sleep, I dream about him. Every damn night.

If I don't see him after school, I'll worry.

If he ignores me when I complain, I'll get angry.

I'm happy when we talk and yet so sad, because we always fight.

I wish I wouldn't snap at him all the time.

Tenma just shakes his head, as if I was the problem.

I'm not the one with another crush on someone I might not know.

I'm not the one who talked about that in the living room.

So, no. I'm not the problem.

"What?", I snarl at him, turning my head when I hear him sigh again.

Tenma just looks up to the sky, watching the million and millions of lights.

His mouth twitches, the way Juza's did today. He's probably thinking which words to choose next. Not to make me mad.

"He seemed kinda down.", he then exhales. Tenma is not keen on making eye contact with me, but from the tone of his voice I can tell what he's trying to say:"please stop being stubborn and talk to him".

And that's all it takes to get this weird feeling in my stomach again.

I feel kind of guilty, but also mad.

So instead of reflecting on my behavior, like I should, I try to repress the feeling by shouting:"Why is everyone thinking I hurt Hyodo? This isn't about him, ok? This one fucking time isn't about him!"

Tenma flinches at the sound of my voice and before I can register what happened, the tears already fall.

They're falling and falling.

Running and running.

Rolling over my cheeks, when I desperately tried to hold them in.

My voice cracked again, I'm sure Tenma's aware.

From the way that he looks at me, I'm sure that he knows.

"Fuck.", I curse, drying off my eyes with the trembling fingers. I'm mad that I look this fragile and broken. I'm embarrassed someone has to see me like this. And Tenma opens his mouth to say something, maybe to console me, comfort me. But I'm already leaving, because I don't want to be seen like this.

***

I don't come down for breakfast as usual. Knowing that Juza will be there, I try to stay in my room. I sneaked into it at 4 am, tip toeing around to my bed, not to wake up Hyodo. And of course he didn't. When I came in, in the middle of the night, his eyes were deeply shut.

So I shower, clean my teeth and brush my hair. I choose an outfit and stand in front of the mirror, looking at myself. I'm not really in the mood to look at the reflection. Hair strands standing off in every direction, swollen and red eyes with dark circles under them. I look disgusting.

I'm aware that I'm trying to kill time when I reach for the concealer. I don't want to run into Hyodo.

So I stay put in the bathroom, fixing myself, analyzing my looks and back to fixing them.

I hear the loud footsteps around the room, shuffling, stopping and leaving after a time.

This is exhausting, trying to ignore Hyodo. But I'm sure if I don't, I'd fall apart even more.

So I grab my bag, rush out the door and quickly greet Izumi, before leaving the dorm.

She doesn't say anything when she sees me. But I'm sure she's confused, because today was the first day she didn't have to force me to go to school. Nevertheless she doesn't say anything and I'm kind of glad, because she's the first person who didn't confront me.

So I step out of the dorm, letting the cold breeze clash against my bare skin. But something feels off, like someone is there. I turn to my side and hold my breath.

Hyodo is leaning against the wall of the building, silently watching me from the corner of his eyes.

I look at him and it feels like this morning, when I stared into the mirror: his hair is messy, his eyes are red.

He pushes himself off the wall and steps towards. Slowly.

"We need to talk."

His voice is hoarse, but it still send shivers down my spine. Just like when he calls out my name with a sickly sweet tone in his voice.

Instantly I panic, because I don't want to hear his rejection. Not in the middle of the morning, nor after school. I don't ever want to hear it. I want to pretend it never happened.

"Eh? Why would I need to talk to you about your crush?", I try to ridicule him, because that's what a fool does when he can't admit his feelings towards a certain someone.

"Isn't it obvious, Settsu?", he frowns, almost looking hurt. Almost.

I cock up one eyebrow,"what? You need advice?", I mock him again, because apparently that's how I deal with feelings.

"Advice? What the-?", he narrows his eyes at me, as if I was once more the annoying roommate who's picking a fight. Except, I do.

The hurt look on his face is slowly fading away, being replaced by confusion.

And that is when I should've realized, something was terribly wrong.

"As in dating advice? Seriously, Hyodo? You didn't even tell me about your crush and yet you expect me to help you?", there's rage in my voice and the weird feeling in my stomach continues again. There's a pang in my heart and a mess in my mind.

"Helping me? Wait-I really can't follow you."

I scoff, "fuck off, Hyodo. I ain't gonna help you with whoever you have a crush on."

Suddenly Hyodo's confusion is gone, while slowly raising his eyebrows at me, "you didn't hear everything".

Fuming, I breath out of my nose. I look him in the eyes and see the sparkle in them. Just like with the starts last night: they're so beautiful yet so unreachable.

That makes me even madder, because how the fuck am I still pinning over Juza, when he's being so ridiculous?

"I sure as hell did, stop playing.", I snap, "go annoy someone else. I'm leaving."

"Settsu."

And there it is. He catches me off guard with the sweet and pleading tone in his voice. How the letters just roll out of his tongue. Then there's a pang in my chest. Who gave him the right to call my name out like this? With his deep and raspy voice. And the pleading, sweetly tone. With the golden eyes and piercing gaze and- I'm mad again.

"Tell me, Hyodo. What am I to you? Am I your rival, your roommate or your friend?"

I'm so sure of the answer

yet I still dare to ask

secretly hoping

that it wasn't true

Yet I'm still asking

terrified of the truth

scared of the words of rejection

and that you'll speak with your heart

"Sure, you're my rival.", he takes a step toward me.

"And my roommate.", he takes another one.

"Maybe you're my friend.", he halts in front of me.

I'm sure of the answer

because I dared to ask

secretly hoping that it wasn't true

There's a pang in my chest and a knot in my throat and a mess in my thoughts.

I'm sure it only needs one push, one word, one rejection from Juza and I'll fall apart.

Yet he's halting in front of me, glaring down with his golden eyes and piercing gaze.

I hold my breath, because I don't want to get tempted to reach for something I can't have.

His sweet scent is suffocating me, as I try to stay still.

"But you're also something in between."

"Don't fuck with me, Hyodo.", I growl, louder than expected.

There's this feeling in my chest again.

And my fingers start to tremble, so I ball them into fists.

I panic, because I don't know what the hell Juza is up to.

Or why he's still pretending like I didn't hear him having a crush.

And he can sense my anger, frustration and build up panic.

One look into my eyes and he knows everything.

Like I said, Juza could read me like a book, if he dared to look at the cover.

But he doesn't stop there.

"You asked me what you're to me.", he says casually, like it's a normal conversation. Like I asked him for the time, or a pen, hell something mundane.

His face is so close, it's practically impossible not to breath the scent in of sweets.

His breath clashes against my hot skin, but it's not as uncomfortable as the cold breeze.

"Just-don't! Ugh-I"

Fuck.

I really don't want the answer

yet I dared to ask

"You're my crush, Banri."

Banri.

Crush.

I blink one time.

And two times.

And even after I third time, I still don't believe my ears.

"What?"

He smiles softly, taking his hand into mine,"you're my crush", he repeats a second time.

How I longed for the answer

and yet I suddenly freeze

because I'm scared this is a joke, or a dream, or a prank

I'm scared that if I ask again

He'll laugh instead

But he takes his hand into mine

and his eyes fall to my lips

and his eyes are quitely asking

if I feel the same

So I take my last chance

for an answer to give

still afraid that this is a joke, or a dream, or a prank

I slowly untangle my trembling fingers out of his warming hands, only to put them beside each cheek.

And I look at him softly, while he does the same

In the very moment I knew

you like me as much, as I like you


End file.
